On moving to the supposedly warmer climes of Switzerland (it has rained 7 of 10 days here), I looked forward to no longer being Bus Wanker all summer. The thoughts of a sophisticated Metro System or even commuter train were oddly alluring. Alas it is not so and I get the bus to work. It would seem I will forever be a bus wanker. However, the buses here are far superior to the Irish service. This is not about timetables, routes or displays but the people on these buses. The whole experience is just nicer and I think I know why. It's because two particular things are missing......
School Acquaintances
Not school friends, these are people who merely existed near you for 5/6 years. If you’re lucky you will see them
first. From a distance at first but as they approach an ever increasing feeling
on doom begins to weigh on you. The Blackness is closing in and so are they.
You have not seen him in nearly three years and for the most part that has been
intentional. But now you scramble hoping to somehow avoid the inevitable. You
start reading the Metro on the bus because your iPod died and if you don’t look
like you’re otherwise engaged that weird, smelly kid you went to school with
might try talk to you and it is too early for you to sit, listen and nod
politely as they detail every tiny insignificant facet of their depressing
life, from the child he and his Gorgon like girlfriend are expecting after
knowing each other six minutes, or how he is doing his sixth Fás course because
bee-keeping didn’t really work out, or how his brother is getting on great in
Australia which you find particularly aggravating because you have not even met
this brother and you know that if you did see him it would most likely be on a
Saturday night outside 21s spitting in a bouncers face , but I don’t want to be
too specific.
This is a difficult situation
with no clear resolution. Also it becomes worse if you see someone you do want
to talk to but they ignore you. Are you one of the smelly, weird kids? Odds are
yes, yes you are. So if this painful realisation should ever dawn on you
please, please leave us alone. We merely want to ride the bus in peace and get
through this depressing experience without you making us feel worse.
Loud People
There is always one person. What
ever happened to proper bus etiquette? It is now all too common place for
people to play their music not through headphones, or to carry on a phone
conversation as loudly as possible. There is one incident I will never forget. A
girl sat at least half the length of the bus from me was screaming down the
phone about how “He is a player! That’s what you get. I said don’t mess with
‘im”. To help you picture this she was Nigerian me thinks. A thick accent that
only added to the absurdity of the conversation. “I don’t need this in my life
right now. I don’t need this drama in my life right now”. This was
repeated and was funny at first. I was almost interested in this girl’s life
and problems. This interest quickly turned to petulance and I am ashamed to say
I was not above over the shoulder glances and snorts of derision. But bus
etiquette goddammit! This is not the place for you to air you grievances and
definitely not at a volume akin to a shuttle launch. “Drama, drama, drama,
drama, drama, drama!” she shouted at one point, which admittedly had me burst
into laughter. Laughter which garnered daggers from this half-wit, who was
clearly revelling in her drama.The bus is a place for hushed
tones and personal music. The worst part is there is no established manner in
which to tell people to shut up! See: Maeve Higgins Bus Sketch below
I trust this settles the matter and when I return in September these problems will never again trouble me. I have seen the future, Irish bus users, and it is peaceful.
Dave,
Former Hula Hoops Spokesman
No comments:
Post a Comment