Welcome! Can I get you anything? Tea? Diazepam?

It won't be long before this blog turns into a petty rivalry between two old friends and their intellectual prowess. However seeing as one member is a witty, big boned girl with a sharp tongue and a basic grasp of large syllable words, such as "curmudgeon", and the other is me, already there is no competition.

Five Things You Need To Know About Me

1. So you're going to be a Garda?: I have been six foot two since I was fourteen, and it wasn't long before such a conspicuous birth defect led to a reflexive sarcastic gene.
2. Writes Comedy Blog With Science Student; Science Student Is Funnier: My life, and the day-to-day events which make up that life, has been described as "like the socially awkward penguin meme, but like more awkward?" Needless to say this fact has haunted and enhanced my life ever since, so much so that I literally cannot park my car without at least three embarrassing incidents ensuing. 
3. I'm just like...... : Despite studying such passionate and endearing subjects as Anthropology and English Literature, I am apathetic beyond belief. If I cared less, I would probably be flat lining. Three months after graduating I foresee myself living a routine based on cheese toasties, slipper socks and a very strict 30 Rock/Arrested Development regiment.  
4. Fact: I am Blue Ivy Carter
5. I have the boxset, I'll get round to it: I like to make outrageous claims, which at first glance cannot possibly be true, without providing any evidence to back up my wild fantasies, nor disprove them. So who can prove anyone's anything really? Yeah. (I've also never seen The Godfather) 

Five Things You Need To Know About Dave

1. Still celebrates Martin Luther King Day: He is often accidentally and casually racist, which makes his Aryan good looks both frightening and incredibly appropriate. 
2. The one singing harmonies: He is the sixth member of chart topping boy band 5ive.
3. This doesn't make it into the final cut of the movie: Is an adequate sportsman, been known to willingly break bones to give his brother a shot in the limelight, only to be proved inferior to said brother and find himself replaced. Turns to science in the hope of mending crushed dreams.
4. Will probably let the funky music do the talking: Dave will soon be moving to Switzerland, where his poor grasp of the delicate French language, terrible pronunciation, and general social ineptitude will surely lead to hilarious blog posts. (So please hang in there!)
5. Glitteratti: Despite some upcoming rants, Dave is completely comfortable with his own sexuality and totally accepting of the sexuality of others. Been known to lust after the alluring, sexual magnetism of Tom Hardy and the modest talents of Laura Linney. 

Dave and I appreciate that choosing blogs these days is like trying to pick the best poppies in a field of... Well, a field of poppies. So taking the time out of your enriching StumbleUpon lifestyle to read a little about us and who we are, and why we desperately need to prove to the world that WE CAN'T BE THE ONLY ONES WHO FIND US FUNNY truly means a lot to us. Dave will someday be the proud owner of an aging cat named Darwin, a Nobel Prize for his work on hands and,with any luck, a good trophy wife, and I will still be refreshing my Twitter waiting for glorious, life fulfilling retweets. Your company on this path to success couldn't make us happier.

Niamh (owner of twelve cross-continental Dunkin' Donuts)