Judging A Book By Its Cover (but with movies)

Th movie industry has really gone into overdrive with sequels and reboots. I decided to take a look at some of this low hanging fruit movie executives have decided to send our way. I guess this is like a preemptive mini review based on the trailers and any leaked information I have garnered from vague Google searches. Just remember these opinions are subject to change.

The Amazing Spider-Man
So the first reboot coming our way is The Amazing Spider-Man. I am unconvinced by the storyline and  I think The Lizard looks a bit strange, no snout and no lab coat. This Garfield character doesn't seem nerdy enough for me. Too pretty and wavy, stylish hair is not very Peter Parker, but we'll see. However, I know I will enjoy at least one aspect of the movie. Emma Stone. She can do no wrong and looks awesome as a blonde.

Potential Favourite Line: With Great Power, Comes Great Responsability (If this is not in the movie, in some misguided attempt to be original, I will find everyone involved in this movie and shout mean things at their children/grandparents)

Potential Worst Line: Oh no, I've just been bitten by a radioactive spider and now am getting super powers!

The Bourne Legacy
Originally under the title "Guy who is not as handsome as Matt Damon, killing people in cool ways" this sequel/reboot is a mystery to me. The Threadstone cover up is interesting but unnecessary. It really feels like they are flogging a dead horse. With the introduction of genetic engineering to the plot, I think it's over the top. Also since the original novels/movies were based on me, I am a little upset they would just write me out. 


Potential Favourite Line: I sure wish Jason Bourne/David Webb was here. He'd know what to do.


Potential Worst Line: You've had alterations to two different chromosomes, it's the most exciting development in the history of the science. (Wait, actual line. Oh dear)

Monsters University
I cannot wait for this. A prequel to the best animated movie there is, and I wont hear any arguments to the contrary because Monsters Inc is perfect in so many ways. I laugh, I shout "look out Sully, Randall is behind you!!" and invariably dissolve into tears when Sully says goodbye to Boo (keep it together). Seeing Sully and Mike become best friends, learn to scare, and fulfill the college clichés will be awesome. Steve Buscemi is also back as Randall, so this cannot fail! Unfortunately it won't be here until next summer, but Monsters Inc rerelease is exciting enough.

Potential Favourite Line: Everything

Potential Worst Line: Nothing

The Dark Knight Rises
There are no words to convey my excitement. I can barely breathe. As if Anne Hathaway in the Cat Suit wasn't excitement enough, there is also Tom Hardy as the "Man Who Broke The Bat", except with an English accent for some reason. Marion Cotillard is playing Miranda Tate, but may secretly be Talia Al Ghul, but this has been strongly denied, but I hope it's true. I am counting the seconds until July 20th!


Potential Favourite Line: Death would only end your agony and silence your shame!


Potential Worst Line: Wherever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Wherever there are masks, wherever there's tomfoolery and joy, I'm there. But sometimes I'm not cause I'm out in the night, staying vigilant. Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping. No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I bird? No. I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. (Just as it might undermine the tone of the film is all)

Sadly all these movies will pale in comparison to one movie, which stands tall above all else, in heart, depth and reach. Many will criticise it but they will merely not fully understand the beauty that will be on show. I am speaking, of course, about the One Direction 3D Concert Movie. It may not be released until November 2013, but the world is holding it's breath in sweet anticipation. 


Dave

UPDATE: I have now seen "The Amazing Spider-Man" and they don't say With Great Power, Comes Great Responsibility. While the emotional scenes were heavy handed and laugh inducing, the action scenes were incredible! 4/10 from me as a good hero movie, is more than just action sequences. 

Conversations with a mad scientist; part 1

Part 1

Part 2

My Life

I guess I kinda miss that guy. Although killing small rodents is the first sign of a serial killer. So I guess having him out of our space AND time isn't so bad. 

Niamh

The Hazards Of Being A Bus Wanker.....

On moving to the supposedly warmer climes of Switzerland (it has rained 7 of 10 days here), I looked forward to no longer being Bus Wanker all summer. The thoughts of a sophisticated Metro System or even commuter train were oddly alluring. Alas it is not so and I get the bus to work. It would seem I will forever be a bus wanker. However, the buses here are far superior to the Irish service. This is not about timetables, routes or displays but the people on these buses. The whole experience is just nicer and I think I know why. It's because two particular things are missing......

School Acquaintances

Not school friends, these are people who merely existed near you for 5/6 years. If you’re lucky you will see them first. From a distance at first but as they approach an ever increasing feeling on doom begins to weigh on you. The Blackness is closing in and so are they. You have not seen him in nearly three years and for the most part that has been intentional. But now you scramble hoping to somehow avoid the inevitable. You start reading the Metro on the bus because your iPod died and if you don’t look like you’re otherwise engaged that weird, smelly kid you went to school with might try talk to you and it is too early for you to sit, listen and nod politely as they detail every tiny insignificant facet of their depressing life, from the child he and his Gorgon like girlfriend are expecting after knowing each other six minutes, or how he is doing his sixth Fás course because bee-keeping didn’t really work out, or how his brother is getting on great in Australia which you find particularly aggravating because you have not even met this brother and you know that if you did see him it would most likely be on a Saturday night outside 21s spitting in a bouncers face , but I don’t want to be too specific.

This is a difficult situation with no clear resolution. Also it becomes worse if you see someone you do want to talk to but they ignore you. Are you one of the smelly, weird kids? Odds are yes, yes you are. So if this painful realisation should ever dawn on you please, please leave us alone. We merely want to ride the bus in peace and get through this depressing experience without you making us feel worse.

Loud People

There is always one person. What ever happened to proper bus etiquette? It is now all too common place for people to play their music not through headphones, or to carry on a phone conversation as loudly as possible. There is one incident I will never forget. A girl sat at least half the length of the bus from me was screaming down the phone about how “He is a player! That’s what you get. I said don’t mess with ‘im”. To help you picture this she was Nigerian me thinks. A thick accent that only added to the absurdity of the conversation. “I don’t need this in my life right now. I don’t need this drama in my life right now”. This was repeated and was funny at first. I was almost interested in this girl’s life and problems. This interest quickly turned to petulance and I am ashamed to say I was not above over the shoulder glances and snorts of derision. But bus etiquette goddammit! This is not the place for you to air you grievances and definitely not at a volume akin to a shuttle launch. “Drama, drama, drama, drama, drama, drama!” she shouted at one point, which admittedly had me burst into laughter. Laughter which garnered daggers from this half-wit, who was clearly revelling in her drama.The bus is a place for hushed tones and personal music. The worst part is there is no established manner in which to tell people to shut up! See: Maeve Higgins Bus Sketch below

I trust this settles the matter and when I return in September these problems will never again trouble me. I have seen the future, Irish bus users, and it is peaceful.

Dave,

Former Hula Hoops Spokesman 

This entry will soon be a key feature in a therapist's file on me.

Clearly for the last month neither Dave or I have done much worthy of writing about (except moving to Switzerland, but the Swiss are fairly taciturn and really who wants to hear about that?) . Between exams and unemployment, I'm in a perfect position to write a glowing review of tea, but since there's sure to be a unanimous "Tea is awesome" response, that's pointless in and of itself.

Today I was quite hungover, and after waking up mid-afternoon, indulged in a day of comforting "Cure Movies" (and tea, oh was there tea). It was lovely, and happily seemed to arrange itself in accordance with each level of hangover, so without much ado, here are my Top 5 Hangover Movies:

The First Wives Club
Bette Midler, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn, wreaking revenge on their cheating, cradle snatching husbands. I love this film an indecent amount. Sarah Jessica Parker as Midler's shallow, anorexic nemesis, and Maggie Smith as a jaded New York socialite, are just perfect in this dark comedy about sisters doing it for themselves (ugh, sorry, but that song DOES feature, and during a montage too; the best montage EVER). Essentially, when I'm older I want to be these women, teaming up to use underhanded methods to get what's theirs damn it!

Hangover Stage: High spirits, full of delightful memories of a friend filled night, perhaps still slightly drunk, happy to talk to the television as if it were a person.


Favourite Scene: Midler, Hawn and Keaton reveal their elaborate plans to their gobsmacked ex-husbands, who slowly realise that their lives have been thorn asunder. (Also Brenda holding Elysse's Oscar and saying "Does it say 'I beat Meryl?'". All the LOLs).

Legally Blonde
Everyone has that movie that they can watch over and over, without it losing an ounce of its original charm. For me that movie is Legally Blonde. Its also one of the few movies that makes me cry nearly from beginning to end, with or without hangover. Yes, Legally Blonde, the feel good comedy, makes me cry almost continuously. I cry when she gets the required SAT scores, I cry when the mean girls trick her into dressing like a whore, I cry when she's unjustly accused of of sexing her way to success, I cry when she makes her glorious return.. Elle Woods for Prez.

Hangover Stage: Sobering up, want a friend around to give reassuring cuddles and morning after chats.. LB is that friend.

Favourite Scene: The final cross-examination when Elle tricks Whitney into revealing her murderous secret.. (Ugh, seriously, I'm so sorry).

Strictly Ballroom
WHY HAVEN'T MORE PEOPLE SEEN STRICTLY BALLROOM!? Definitely my favourite film on this list, and possibly any list. Everything I love about Baz Luhrman; sparkly, cheesily tongue-in-cheek, endearing. I shouldn't be as sensitive to the backwards world of Australian Ballroom Dancing as I am but this movie just makes me wish I could Rumba. Scott is too handsome to engage in such a sport; the best part is Fran's gradual and *cough* subtle progression from dowdy loser to stunning ballroom dancing superstar, its responsible for 74% of all my self-image perceptions. Its about passion, not the rules. A PASSION FOR BALLROOM! I'm too emotionally attached to write a logical synopsis of this movie. Everyone just watch it.

Hangover Stage: The beginning of hangover depression/The Fear, desperately trying to pull out of it with a movie that fills with joy.

Favourite Scene: Scott and Fran's learning to dance/learning to love montage, to the absolute gem of Time After Time.. Tears. Laughter. Dancing. All together now IF YOU'RE LOST YOU CAN LOOK AND YOU WILL FIND ME.... TIME AFTER TIME. (Alternatively Love is in the Air to close on.. This film is eclipsed only by its soundtrack.)


Moulin Rouge
So at this stage I'm in the Baz Luhrman zone, and what better than possibly his most ridiculous film to make it a Luhrman double feature. Having descended into full-blown, alcohol deficient depression, Moulin Rouge is tragic enough to indulge in some unjustified moroseness, but showy enough to distract me from a full blown weeping session. And I can sing along to the songs!

Hangover Stage: Bleak.

Favourite Scene: ROOOOXXXXXXANNE!

Monsters Inc
So by now I'm emotionally spent, and tired from my lack of sleep last night anyway. So I want something to soothe me into gentle, welcoming unconsciousness.. My favourite Pixar movie, it restores my faith in humanity, quite a feat considering it features one human, who is too young to have developed any empathetic  tendencies thus far... But shes pretty frickin aborable.

Hangover Stage: That's enough being alive for one day.

Favourite Scene: The very last scene when Sully opens the door, looking expectantly in, to hear "Kitty!" Tears. As usual.

Join us next week, when I'll be discussing my unruly emotions that seem to be accompanying my drinking problem. Yikes.

Niamh

Dear Dublin. You're Doing it Wrong.

I know the Irish are famed for a charming illogicality; its endearing and quirky. But every now and then I come across examples of this which truly make me despair for the continuance of our race. Our government have made a right balls of our financial system (so I'm told, I am not well informed enough about his to start making compelling arguments) (I know, I know, I am a disgrace, but it's just too depressing), but its the little things, the day-to-day oddities, that really irk me (see my issues with bureaucracy). Today its the new fangled machines standing abreast every bus stop.

Here is an example of the offending technology. In theory, when I first heard of the contraptions, they supposedly monitor the bus and give the information of when exactly it should arrive at your stop. Sounds like a fantastic, useful idea, to save many the weary commuter the anxiety of "Have-I-Have-I-Not" missed the bus syndrome. However, this is not what they do. Instead they give the time the bus is SUPPOSED to arrive at its stop. It does not factor in delays. It gives information ALREADY PROVIDED ON THE ESTABLISHED BUS STOP. It is a technological timetable, not a time keeper. All it saves us from is the effort of manually working out what time the bus is scheduled to arrive. As every Dublin bus traveler knows this is next to useless, as Dublin Buses appearing on scheduled time is an apparition on par with  Jesus' second coming; I'll believe it when I see it.

So. I would like to know. WHAT IS THEIR PURPOSE? WHY DOES EVERY BUS STOP HAVE ONE? WHY DOES IT TELL ME MY BUS IS DUE? I KNOW IT DUE. THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE. I WANT TO KNOW BY HOW MANY MINUTES IT WILL MOST DEFINITELY BE LATE.


As the picture suggests, it was raining. My new umbrella had broken in the wind. I very much wanted to go home. I took my frustration out on this, typically Irish, institution and its useless, useless, technologies. I feel this rant was more than justified.

Niamh

Move over John Lennon's "Imagine"!

First of all; YAY AMERICA! You guys just keep knockin' em out of the park!

Now, lets talk about the song! Oh my God, I'm so excited!

The first 18 seconds appear to be a shot of a statue of Athena, the goddess of wisdom, writer of the song, if I'm not mistaken. It sets us up nicely for the rest of the video, which is frankly out of this world.

"Look at me and tell me the truth
What do you do
When people don't know
What we go through?"


I think she wants the entire world to rise up-in-arms in abject horror whenever she's slightly mistreated or poorly judged because of her mind-blowing appearance.  The opening of the song is a direct accusation against humanity, like Bono and Geldoff done did at Live8. We, as a people, are not doing enough about this pressing issue, and something must be done.

"They see my blond hair,
Blue eyes and class,
But they don't know,
I have a really big heart."


Oh.... They said heart... I thought they were gonna say something else.

"Don't get me wrong,
I know that I'm hot,
But textbook perfection really takes a lot."


One of the real tear-jerking lines of the song. The thing about being wildly attractive is the real lack of appreciation for all the hard work it takes. I mean, they're doing us a favour, and what do we do? Throw is back in their exfoliated, moisturised faces! They could be putting that time and effort into charity work or getting a good education and they're not. Now WHERE IS THE THANKS, HUH?? You people disgust me.

"We're not perfect and sometimes we lie."

That right there is character depth. Wes Anderson couldn't write personalities that multi-sided and endearing.

"I got the look, 
I got the butt,
But those things don't make me a ____"


Don't make you a what DONT MAKE YOU A WHAT!?!?!

"Just cos I'm pretty,
Don't mean I'm dumb
I don't care about wits
I just wanna have fun."


Uuuhhh. This is a little harder to decipher. At first glance it's hard to distinguish what exactly she's trying to say. I know it looks like she's a complete fucking idiot, who is totally contradicting herself and offending attractive women everywhere by standing for them in this complete and utter massacre she calls a pop song, with her complete disregard and misunderstanding of the English language.. But I probably only think that because I am a raging feminist lesbian.

"People start rumours
And say things about me
Funny thing is,
I didn't go to that party."


This requires a little context; unfortunately we don't have that.

OK now they break down into a little rap bridge thing. Lets do this!

"Why oh why
Can't you see
You are all
Just like me,
We make mistakes and get in trouble
Now you see our hot girl struggle."


I mean, its a revelation. Take away the beat and this could be a work of poetry, as like all good poetry it allows us a glimpse into the world and uphill battles of others. Its the dilemma of our time, unknown to most and the duty of the truly great (hot) among us to bring it to the attention of the world. These girls are our Ginsberg, God damn it!

"Hot girls we have problems too,
We're just like you,
Except we're hot."


Wait.... I'm not hot?


WHY ARE THEY IN A FUCKING LIMO?!

Niamh (Rose of Tralee; 1987)

PS. When Dave found out this video was real his response was:
"I despair for humanity.
Although I do feel for the hot girls."
The universal reaction.

You're Not Making The Compelling Case You Think You Are

This post is a long time coming. I've been stewing over this point for a long time. I'm referring to something that happened during the campaign to find the GOP candidate in America earlier this year. Glitter Bombing is a new technique taken on by a Gay Rights Activist Group called the Glitteratti. I will preface this blog by saying: I think the gays are a great bunch of lads but this does not help them.

The Glitterati is a fucking retarded name. If you want to be seen as a serious activist group don't let the guy dressed as Lady Gaga (in the Bad Romance Video is how I'm imaging him but any outfit will do) pick your name. It sounds like something from a bad, pun based sitcom. It is truly awful and forces you down from the moral high ground.

If you wish to be taken seriously as a group of people with something serious to say, don't be a stereotype. The protester may as well have slapped Romney, called him a "Stupid Betch" and run away with his scarf draped elegantly over his shoulder. Campaigning for equal rights, gay marriage and an end to homophobia only work if you don't stop for a Glitter Fight half way thorugh!

Glitter is not conducive to political change. Not even that but Romney and Santorum promptly continued their speeches; nothing actually happened. If you're going to throw shit, make it heavy. Throwing heavy things is never taken lightly (PUN!!).

Well rant complete and no one cared but I feel better for it!

Dave,
Mustard Enthusiast